LETTER TO A FRIEND

Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Myfriend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question thesuggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity Takes placeafter 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/ girlfriendswhen I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat ataco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stalechips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a fewcheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I thinkyou went too far this time. And no...that burrito I dropped on the floor is NOT ok to still eat.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga toimprove my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing meto fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marksthat appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know alittle penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entireday is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing outface down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangovershould be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would liketo ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of greatstories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companionwhen I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully reviewmy grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan, me.



P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing